The Journey Continues

Hop on over!

2010-05-05T03:20:00.000-07:00

I moved blogs awhile ago....and I am sure I lost some of my readers (all 5 of you...you know who you are). Anywho--come check out what has been happening in our world and meet our new addition to the family! See you over there!
http://merlelivinglife.blogspot.com

Moving

2010-01-16T08:40:00.000-08:00

I am moving my blog to a new address. If you are interested on catching up with me/us/the journey, email me at merle1025@gmail.com and I will let you know my new blog address.

Thanks

WCHAFB Trip

2010-01-14T12:27:00.000-08:00

You are probably wondering if we just joined a club or are going on some sort of trip to a conference with that crazy acronym....

As you know we are counting the days till we hit the sun and sand of Oahu and it couldn't come soon enough. A while back I posted a bucket list and on that bucket list was--go to Hawaii, Whale Watching and Snorkeling. I am going to be able to check off all three items! Cullen is going to go swimming with the sharks (an item on his bucket list--and I don't think I have ever seen him so happy).

I am actually going to be in Hawaii on my birthday--which is delightful because I think having a February birthday stinks! It is cold, people are tired of the winter and there isn't much to look forward to---and with all this snow--seeing dry green grass doesn't even seem possible.

We are going to read, relax and try to reconnect. Fertility issues can literally strangle/suffocate a marriage and it will be so nice to get away and reset our buttons!

So we are going on the WCHAFB trip--the We Can't Have a "Fing" Baby Trip
So we are escaping to Hawaii in the dead of winter and we can't wait!

A day I never thought we would have to go through....

2010-01-07T13:27:00.000-08:00

So, we have to update our paperwork for the adoption. What does that mean??? It means that we have been waiting almost a year for a placement. How do I feel? I don't know. How does Cullen feel? I don't know.

Just never thought it would come to this.....I suppose it is all part of the journey.

So much has happened in that time frame. Babies born, pregnancies announced, job changes, religious transformations...but still no baby to add to our family.

Let's pray that God provides some guidance and continued peace during the year.

"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed."

Jana Wolff, Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother

Another Day....Another Winter Storm

2010-01-06T06:37:00.000-08:00

There isn't really much to say--other than--I HATE SNOW!!

Yesterday I had a funny encounter with a pregnant gal at work. The childcare side has a few pregnant folks (should I start drinking their water?) and yesterday I went to the restroom at the same time as one of them. No big deal right--right! Later that afternoon I went to the restroom and she was in there too. I thought to myself--now, how can I be on the same peeing schedule as a pregnant woman! I kind of laughed to myself and went to the restroom.

While washing my hands she comes out and she laughs and says we must be on the same schedule. I think--yep, you peeing because you are pregnant and I am peeing because I had too much coffee or water but yep the same schedule. I smile and say "yep". Then she says--I have this silly bloody nose and I said oh this crappy dry weather, it is sure getting old! She said, actually I read in my "What to expect" book that this is the week I could get bloody noses. Not knowing what to say---I said "oh dear"! (my favorite line to use). As I walked out the restroom door I laughed to myself and thought--you can't make this stuff up! I get myself in some interesting situations!

Happy New Year

2010-01-04T07:30:00.000-08:00

New Year = New Hope

2009 was an interesting year for us. It brought about a lot of changes in our lives. A job change, journey to a new religion for Cullen and a renewed faith for me and getting approved for adoption--just to name a few. We made it through another year and it was a good but challenging year.

We are blessed with amazing families, wonderful friends and a faith that continues to provide us peace and grace as we walk on our path together and individually.

I am entering 2010 with a sense of hope! Hope that we continue to walk on the path that is provided, that we continue to see signs in the right direction regarding building our family and that we continue to grow together as a couple.

I hope you can find the positive things in your life...even if you have to dig down deep beneath the snow (all 15+inches) to find it! Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-28T08:34:00.000-08:00

Well another Christmas down in the books! It's not a Christmas I care to relive either--sadly enough. We missed Midnight Mass because of the snow and I think that had a huge effect on me/us! We missed the opportunity to reflect on the year and celebrate the reason for the season.

I have been reading other blogs for months and have seen people post about how hard the holidays are and I just never felt that way--until Christmas morning. It hit me like a ton of bricks--while everyone was opening gifts. It was a combination of things that morning but it just broke my heart that we are not any further along then we were at this time last year. Christmas day was one year ago to the day that we found out our IVF didn't work. After 4 long years of infertility, we are in the adoption pool and waiting as patiently as we can and I have a sister (who is also my best friend) who is becoming a mom in a few short months. All that with the 10+ inches of snow was "The Perfect Storm" for my emotions.

We decided it was best to be at home because the roads were terrible and I was not a fun person to be around that day--so we spent the day napping and watching t.v. and had cereal for dinner!

After much discussion we decided that we hope we don't have another Christmas like that--feelings of sadness instead of rejoicing. So we decided we will travel to someplace warm next year over Christmas if we haven't been placed with a baby :)

Then a sign from God came last night. I feel asleep last night early (like 9 p.m.) while I was watching the early news. I woke up at 10:10 and was awake enough to change to the other news channel just in time for the beginning of a news story. The story was about a couple that had a "Christmas Miracle". They got a phone call last week--they had been picked for adoption. They brought home their son this weekend. This couple went through our agency and we have seen them speak!
Coincidence??? NOPE--Thank you God for a sign. A sign of hope. I needed it. I was feeling hopeless this holiday!

Day 6, 7 and 8

2009-12-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

Not sure what happened but I don't think I am doing a very good job of this "experiment". I can barely remember what happened over the weekend--as it was a whirlwind. So--I will try to get back on track!

We had a busy week last week and this past weekend and it continues today as my brother from Denver comes into town! We are all very excited to see him. My other brother (the baby of the family) turned 21 a couple weeks ago so tonight we are having an ugly sweater 21st birthday party for him. Should be interesting. We went shopping this weekend for our attire and I can assure you that we will have some fun pictures to share. I will try to post them sometime this week.

We did finally share that we are going through the adoption process with Cullen's mom's side of the family. They were all very excited for us--even a couple tears of joy! Like my bestie said today--more people to pray for us :)

Day 5

2009-12-18T07:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I have learned a few things on the old "12 Days of Christmas" experiment.

1. I started with day 12...I think it should have been day 1
2. This is the most important piece--the 12 Days of Christmas actually starts on Christmas Day and goes till January 6, which is The Epiphany (thank you Anna for clarifying because I was confused)!

Yesterday I helped take someone to drop off their car for repairs, however I don't feel like that is any different then what I would have done anyway. I think I need to try and do more for "strangers" and/or for the community! I will keep trying to spread Christmas cheer--one day at a time!

Day 4

2009-12-17T07:19:00.000-08:00

There is a gal that works for the childcare side of our organization--I don't know her all that well. She is struggling with infertility. They started the IVF process a few weeks ago and yesterday was the day they found out the outcome. I thought a lot about her during the last few weeks because it was around this time last year that we did the same and we found out that our procedure didn't work--the day after Christmas. She found out yesterday that the procedure was not successful. My heart broke for her--I know exactly how she feels.

I wrote her a little note and put it in her mailbox. It was short and simple. I mainly wanted her to know that no one can say anything that will make you feel better. It indeed stinks and if she needed to talk to someone--that I would gladly be available to lend my ear! Such a hard thing to deal with at this time of year!

Day 3

2009-12-16T09:12:00.000-08:00

Today I was nice to someone I work with--and most days I want to smack him. Instead I kept my sarcastic mouth shut and was nice. I listened to his stories and woes about his baby not sleeping and just smiled and said--it will get better! I even put out the sports page by his lunch before he sat down!

Day 2

2009-12-15T08:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I volunteered to come in an hour early to help set up a holiday basket auction for a fundraiser at our office. Yes, my job is fundraising for the entire Foundation, however I haven't been involved with this one because a parent committee has done it, but I offered my assistance because the snow has kept people home and unavailable to help.

I think that is a stretch as "going out of my way" but it is about the only thing I can think of for yesterday. What I did realize yesterday is that this might be a little harder than I expected! I know I am not going to change the world with this process but I can at least try to change myself!

12 Days of Christmas

2009-12-14T12:52:00.000-08:00

I thought a lot over the weekend about how blessed we are that we have our health, a warm house to go home to, food to eat and family and friends that love and support us!

I decided that I would try to give back or pay it forward--whatever you want to call it. I decided that each day during the 12 days of Christmas, I would try to do something nice for someone else. It can be little or big--but that I would consciously go out of my way to help someone out. Our Priest continues to preach each week to not lose track of the reason we celebrate the season and so I am going to do just that--not get lost in the details, not get upset about long lines or traffic. I am going to give thanks for what I have (and Lord, I have plenty to be thankful for) and give back to someone who might need a little cheer!

Day 1
A few weeks ago our parish put names on an Angel tree and we picked 4 names off and bought them presents. Yesterday we delivered the gifts. I will tell you that I spent more time picking out those gifts then I do for my own family. I wanted to make sure I got them as much as I could for the amount I spent. It feels so good to give back. I just wish I could see them as they open the gifts!

I will post my progress each day--but it will always be a day behind so I can properly reflect on the process.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas.....

2009-12-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

NOT ANYMORE!!!!

First day of snowfall= beautiful, puts ya in the mood for Christmas

Second day of snowfall= WOW--first time I had a "snow day" since I was in high school (many, many years ago). Look at the drifts, we could build a cool fort but we are 32 and 35 and the neighbors might call the cops on us! Shovel??? Yes, let me help because it is a good form of exercise.

Third day= tough to get out of the neighborhood, low pressure light came on in car and had to buy some fool at work coffee to have him give me his tire pressure measuring tool (probably a fancier name for it)--he ends up coming along and does it for me (remember the idiot from the Christmas party---you know what they say about paybacks--his fancy coat was full of snow). Left work to go to gym (Hawaii is coming soon) and practically had to drag myself there! Got to gym and realized my water bottle is at my desk at work. I am immediately thirsty--like a camel in the desert. Done with workout. Heading home---to see the plows moved a mountain of snow into our driveway...can't get in. I throw my car in the neighbors driveway and curse the white fluff that is now frozen and is as tall as my knees (I am only 5'3 but it is all relative). I am chopping away in the street with a spade shovel to break up the snow when a car comes flying down the street sideways--luckily I jump quickly into the driveway and a group of teenagers are laughing and acting like jerks. I think to myself--do I really want to continue on this journey--they aren't babies forever...that is a topic for another day. I see the neighbor lady who is kinda nuts and she is shoveling alone. I walk up the street and ask if she needs help or wants to borrow my spade. She says she is fine and at least it is good exercise and I respond with and at least we have our health to be out here shoveling!

So, I am thankful I am healthy enough to shovel on my own but I have to say--snow is good for one day only! When it is still beautiful and there is only a light dusting!

Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

2009-12-08T15:43:00.000-08:00

Well it is Winter in Nebraska. We had a half day today because of the snow storm that is pounding Omaha and surrounding areas. What's a girl to do with no work and no place to go---I started reading the highly popular "vampire" series....and am actually enjoying it--I never thought I would admit that. I watched Elf and am now waiting to make some grilled cheese and tomato soup!

The snow is beautiful and does make it feel like Christmas but I will say the cold weather has me counting the days till Hawaii. 57 days to go!!!!

Mele Kalikimaka :)

(isn't that a great song)

Tis the Season...

2009-12-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

For Holiday Parties and Idiots!

Well, we had our company Christmas party last night with the Board of Directors. We had a great time--but there is always at least ONE idiot. And let me tell you--he is an idiot!!! It is too complicated to explain but you can guess what it entailed. Things are moving a little slow around here this morning--too much holiday cheer at the party last night for a few folks!

I have another holiday gathering tonight--this time it is girls only and it will involve margaritas and lot of laughs!!

I love this time of year!

It's the Little Things that Matter

2009-11-25T06:31:00.000-08:00

Life is filled with joy and many blessings and sometimes for me it is the little things that help me remember how wonderful my life is.

I have found a wonderful little coffee shop (totally out of my way for work) where the owner is just as sweet as pie. She is always smiling, knows my name and knows that I take a little cream in my "flavor of the day" coffee. She makes me smile and of course the simple smell and taste of coffee makes my morning a little more bearable.

I have an amazing family. Last night we had a ping pong tournament as we celebrated my brother in-law's birthday. All ages--all sizes. Many laughs and tons of love.

I have a wonderful husband. He makes me laugh, he is caring, he leaves the light on outside when I am not home and I can't imagine going through our journey of building a family with anyone else!

My friends are simply the best. Always giving of themselves, always have an open ear to listen and open heart to love, always excited to see my new outfit that I am finally wearing and always willing to laugh and have fun!

We are completely blessed with our health, a home and love that surrounds us on a daily basis. I give thanks to God for he is good and provides us with much!

Happy Thanksgiving to You and Your Loved Ones!

Time

2009-11-16T04:36:00.000-08:00

This weekend Cullen and I spent some time discussing adoption and how we feel since it has been 7 months. I think Cullen described it best...it seems like everyone is on this nicely paved super highway cruising at a nice, consistent speed and we are on an old bumpy gravel road going at about 5 miles an hour and hitting potholes along the way. We are tired of being on the gravel road and ready to join the super highway!

We talked at great length over dinner on Saturday night and then did some Christmas shopping. On Sunday we did our normal routine. Breakfast with our dear friends/family and church. As it often happens, the homily spoke to us at a time when we deeply needed it. The homily discussed how time goes so quickly and to slow down and really enjoy the journey. Don't get lost on the blessings that occur on a daily basis. It is the journey that makes the end result so beautiful. Thank you God for speaking to us this weekend! We needed it in order to pick ourselves up and to move forward slowly enjoying what the day had to offer.

I am thankful for the journey--no matter how hard it is!

No News Is Good News

2009-11-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

My mother is the queen of cliches or clever statements. She used to always say "No News is Good News" but with adoption that is not the case. It isn't bad but it just means another day of waiting for the call. So we embark on November with--No News. At least no news on the adoption front after 7 months of waiting. Some days are harder than others but with this being the month of Thanksgiving I am trying to remain focused on what I am thankful for--I am blessed. I will post about that later.

We did learn that my sister Megan and her husband Antwain will be welcoming a little girl into our family in March. So much to think about with all that--I just don't think about it. We are excited to meet the little lady and as fast as time goes--she will be here soon.

Cullen's parents moved closer to us--and it is wonderful. They are still young but as they age it will be handy to have them 3 minutes away!

We have been playing with the idea of moving---more on that later.

Hawaii is only like 13 weeks away---YIKES. I have tried to increase my workouts and continue to try and keep my hand out of the cookie jar but I am not making much progress. Time to get serious. This week I have worked out every morning at 5:45 a.m. I love Jazz.cercise. Next week--trying to do a couple "Two-A-Days". We will see how it goes.

November is Adoption Awareness Month. Many children and families are touched by adoption. Do something this month to celebrate adoption! I know we are thankful for our agency and the services they provide!

I guess that is the "News" on this end. Have a great week!

Halloween

2009-10-30T08:01:00.001-07:00

To Whom It May Concern,
Please listen to the prayers of our owners. As you may know they are on the waiting list for adoption. We believe it is about time for them to be placed with a child because as you can see here we are tired of being dressed up for Halloween. We try to go along with their shenanigans but year after year it just gets to be a little humiliating.

So please, if not for their sake--for our sake, let them get "the call" soon. We are more interested in sleeping and eating instead of dressing up like pumpkins and clowns! I mean seriously--most people are scared of clowns anyway! We thank you for listening to our request.

Humbly,
Rosco and Maggie (the cats that do run the household)

Love the Ones You're With

2009-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

Hold the ones you love very close to you! A woman from work lost her husband yesterday very unexpectedly. As we gathered this morning to hear the news it just broke my heart for her, her 3 children and their family and friends.

That along with the early and very dangerous flu season---I am reminded to tell everyone I know that I love them. Give that special person in your life an extra squeeze today! I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life--please know you are loved!

A few lines from a song that reminds me to approach each day as a gift because you don't know what tomorrow will bring.
The song Bless.ed by Bre.tt Denne.n

I welcome the sun,
the clouds and rain,
the wind that sweeps the sky clean
and lets the sun shine again.
this is the most magnificent life has ever been.
here is heaven and earth
and the brilliant sky in between.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive.
blessed is this life
and I'm gonna celebrate being alive

2009-10-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

Thank you Jamie for honoring me with this award! :)

Here are the rules:
Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
Name seven things about yourself that people may not know.
Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers.
Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they've been nominated.

Some of you may already know these things but here we go anyway:

1. I completed a Dans.kin Sprint Triathlon in Denver, Colorado. It consisted of a 1/2 mile swim, 14 mile bike and 3 mile run/walk. It was in 2004 (I think).

2. I have compulsive tendencies. Particularly with the garage door. It is not uncommon for me to check it every time I go downstairs. I have also been known to call my neighbor to see if I put it down. Strange--I know!

3. I love music--and love live music, but I am starting to feel too old for concerts that start at 9 on a "school night".

4. I am deathly afraid of tornados

5. I hate showering on the weekends!

6. My sisters think I am an old woman trapped in a young person's body.

7. I want to be creative but typically can't get the hang of it. I have a sewing machine and took lessons--still can't sew to save my life. The patterns are a real pain in the neck. Tried to Crochet...too hard...too many loops and counting. Made jewelry. Liked it but got bored. Enjoy scrap booking but you can only scrap book pictures of your cats for so long before people look at you strange :) Maybe I will take that up again once we get placed with a child!

I don't know if there is anyone left that I follow that hasn't done this. If you haven't been nominated...please consider yourself nominated by me!

Ying to my Yang

2009-10-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

9 glorious years ago today I married my best friend and soul mate. We have been together for almost 15 years and I will tell you--no one else knows me like he knows me. He knows when I am having a good day, when I am ready for my total meltdown, when I am hurting, when I am sleepy and when I am frustrated.

So today I am celebrating with you, Cullen, a marriage built out of faith, friendship, love and laughter. I love you and can't wait to see what the next 50+ years will bring!

Hello Fall--Are you there?

2009-10-07T07:20:00.000-07:00

How did we go from Summer to Winter? I know we live in Nebraska and you could say--if you like the weather stick around long enough and it will change...and that is the truth. We went from opening windows and getting a nice breeze in the house to turning on the heat and fighting over the comforter in bed! Bundle up folks it is going to be a LONG winter.

With the cold weather it makes me want to hibernate and I need motivation now more than ever! If I am going to be in Hawaii in February I need to get my butt in gear and shed some (lots) pounds. Let's be honest--not just for Hawaii but for my health. I had a discussion with myself--I said "Self--you need to be healthy mentally and physically for not only yourself but for a baby once you get placed. You have waited too long for this to not be healthy and happy in all forms".

So it begins--eating healthier, exercising more, spending quality time with my husband, sleeping in, spontaneous outings, concerts and just living a full life without any regrets--so when we get the call we can be the best that we can be individually, as a couple and as parents! Hang on---this will be an interesting ride!

Alhoa

2009-09-29T06:15:00.000-07:00

After much debate (and I mean--A LOT OF DEBATE) we are going to Hawaii! I am so excited. We are going in February unless and it is a big UNLESS we have been placed with a baby or have a birthmother that is due that same time frame. We are going for 6 nights and will be there over my birthday. Why the debate you might ask? Well you see when you are waiting for "the call" everything you do and plan is basically like a "what if" scenario. It is frustrating as heck to have to live life like that--and I plan events for a living so planning is my specialty AND I can't plan anything with the adoption process and it makes me crazy. I am working on it--let's just say I am a work in progress! So we decided that if we have to postpone the trip in February it will only be because of the most exciting and important time of our life---being parents. And if not--we will be soaking up the sun at a resort in Oahu. We can't complain--either way!

On to other news...my best friend and sister is having a baby! Yep, Megan and Antwain are due in March. We are happy for them and can't wait to meet their little one. I would be lying if I said it was an easy phone call to get--the news was hard to digest. We both cried. I know she was scared to tell me and I was happy and sad--the one person I could talk to about my issues has now graduated onto the other side. Who could I turn to now?
It is a hard dance to dance and I am sure it will continue to be that way as her due date draws near but we have vowed to have open communication and to not let this ruin our friendship. She means the world to me and I will be there for her each step of the way. I can't guarantee that I won't cry into my pillow on occasion but I will love her and support her regardless! I am so happy for them but it makes me/us continue to question "the plan" and why we are the ones going through it. Someday....someday we will hopefully figure it out.

So that is just a glimpse of what has been happening in our neck of the woods. Life is full and we have our faith, family and friends and that is what we need in our life...and with that we can do anything!!

M.I.A.

2009-09-23T04:42:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize it had been so long since I wrote. Not much has happened. Small car accident (I am fine and so is the car--not my fault). Going to Hawaii. Not Going to Hawaii. A Miracle Baby was born. Bucket Lists are really kind of stupid. No update on the Adoption--Restless. Just need to throw in the towel for a little while.

Bucket List

2009-09-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

It has been a crazy week. Cullen was on the movie set for 3 days and had a blast. The movie is called Lucky. You can go on imdb to find out about it. It is set to come out in 2010/11. He said the experience was surreal. He even had his own trailer! It is definitely a "bucket list" thing that he can cross off. Made me start thinking about my own bucket list. I don't really have much on my list--that seems a little pathetic. I might have to actually do some soul searching and get this list together. Here is what I have so far:

1. Become a mother and watching Cullen become a father (is this appropriate for the list??)

2. Go to my native land :) ITALY

3. Travel to Hawaii

4. Go whale watching

5. See a Yankee game at the new stadium

6. Snorkel

It seems like I should have more than 6 items on here and maybe a few things that would stretch my boundaries. I guess I have some work to do on this list! For those that know me and know of something I should add--let me know.

This weekend the Wadleigh clan is heading to good old Hastings, Nebraska to watch our youngest brother play soccer for Hastings College. He has two games so we are heading there tomorrow and spending the night at the local hotel. My brother and his girlfriend are driving in from Denver and we are all looking forward to some family time. I am sure it will be fun and will lend itself to some sort of story next week (you have read about our family vacation history).

I leave you with something I ran across the other day--a good friend of ours sent it to us as we started to explore adoption. It is always a good reminder and during this waiting period is something I try to remember often!

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord

"Plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11

Just another Manic Monday

2009-08-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

Monday Stinks. It is hard to get up. It is hard to get geared up for the work week. It is hard to get motivated. I am thankful to the Lord that I wake up each morning but Monday's are particularly hard.

We got back from Chicago last Tuesday. We had a great time. We caught a baseball game, saw two Pearl Jam concerts and caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. It had been over a year since we had taken a vacation together--just the two of us. The vacation came at a perfect time. We needed to get away and we had an amazing time.

Waiting sucks about as much as Monday's suck. We have only been waiting on the adoption list since April but it feels like we have been waiting for much longer. We have been waiting to become parents for over 3 1/2 years. It is hard and frustrating. Especially because I went to a baby shower this weekend (should have stayed home). Between people taking pregnancy for granted and someone telling me "if you want something bad enough it will happen" it was a pretty crappy time. If I was smart I would have started drinking heavily but I couldn't trust my mouth and since it was a couple shower for a co-worker I just stayed quiet and tried to take my mind to a far away place (which is hard to do with pink all over the place and a pregnant belly staring at you). I survived the baby shower but do think it affected my mood yesterday. I pretty much slept the entire afternoon/evening. Cullen said I was like a bear in hibernation...got up to eat, use the restroom and would take another nap. I guess if you can't deal with the pain the best thing to do is sleep! :) At Mass yesterday our best friends little boy feel asleep in my arms and I have to say I long for the days when our baby will sleep in our arms. I know it will happen and I have to remain positive and I will but as they say--some days are better than others!

Cullen said a very sweet thing to me yesterday--"you know we may want other things in our life but if that doesn't happen I am happy that you are in my life and that is enough for me". I agree and as always I am very thankful that I have a wonderful and supportive husband.

Here is to a good week and if anything we have a 3 day weekend coming up....because of Labor Day (oh great another pregnancy/baby word that I have to hear--kidding!)

A picture of Eddie Vedder and of us at the baseball game!

Let the Good Times Roll

2009-08-21T08:32:00.000-07:00

T.G.I.F

It has been an interesting week. Where should I start?

Monday as you know was Cullen's 35th Birthday. Festivus started on Monday. For those who don't know this "tradition" I will give a short explanation. About 5 or so years ago I started celebrating his birthday with a week (7 days) of Festivus (term taken from Sein.feld). Each day has a theme and a gift. Not expensive but just a little something.

Tuesday and Wednesday--nothing major. Cruising through the week.

Thursday was crazy. We have two cats (they are like our children). Maggie and Rosco. Rosco is the chubby, hairy cat and Maggie is the little runt who is feisty and at times a bully. Well, she had a leaky eye...so off to the vet we go. Getting a cat in a carrier is disastrous at our house. My arms were scratched but I survived. Not only does the Vet say she has conjunctivitis (poor thing) but he says she is like a munchkin cat (oh, she is so cute) and she has to have her front tooth pulled. Yep--you read that right--her front fang has to be pulled. Now Maggie already has some endearing characteristics...sometimes cross eyed and has short little legs. She doesn't purr she squeaks and now she will be missing her front tooth...oh dear. We are waiting on the tooth pulling because it will cost $300!

In the afternoon Cullen auditioned for a role in a movie that will be shot in the area and will have a few fairly big Holly.wood names attached to it. He auditioned for the part of the office guy/sidekick. He has one line. He nailed it.....AND GOT THE PART!!! He is even getting paid for two days of work. Once we have all the info and know we can release the names of the actors and actresses I will let you all know. I am so proud of him! The director told the talent agent as he left that he was the one for the part and they really liked his beard (which he really loves too).

This weekend we are off to Chicago to see Pearl.Jam on Sunday and Monday. We love them and I love Eddie.Vedder--So dreamy! Hopefully I will have some decent photos to share of our trip next week.

Enjoy the weekend and if I don't come back from Chicago--don't be alarmed, it is because I am going on tour with Eddie! A girl can dream can't she???

Happy Birthday Cullen!

2009-08-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

Happy 35th Birthday to my best friend, soul mate and husband! Another year older and another year completed on the journey.

So much has happened in the last year. Lots of great concerts, a little travel, plays, your faith journey to Catholicism, our decision to pursue adoption, a job change, a new tattoo...and the list goes on. Through all of the change the one thing that has remained is our marriage and friendship. The road has been bumpy but I know good things are on the horizon. To another year of life--and your life is worth celebrating!!

Back to School

2009-08-11T08:09:00.000-07:00

Crack open the new folders, crayons, red pencils and trapper keepers.
It is time to go back to school! Which doesn't really mean anything to us in the Chollett household but it does mean two things.
1. Summer is pretty much over and 2. Christmas will be here soon.

This year is a big year for several of our nieces and nephews. Jordyn is going to be Freshman in high school, Jake is going to be a Freshman in college and Josh transferred to Creighton. Nick is starting 6th grade(middle school which equals good lunches and puberty) and Anna is now going to be flying solo at the elementary school without her big brother. My youngest sibling is going back to college in Hastings without his partner in crime (again--Josh going to Creighton). I wish them all luck as the new year begins.

Learn lots and have fun while you are in school---because being an adult isn't all it is cracked up to be!

Food for Thought

2009-08-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

We may feel like we don't have another ounce left to give.

Yet our inner process never gives us more than we can handle.

We may not like handling it, and we can handle it.

It is when we refuse to handle our lives that they lock up on us.

This was posted on my fancy desk calendar yesterday and I thought it was worth sharing and perhaps timely for me to reflect on!

I am a Survivor! (cue the music)

2009-08-04T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I did indeed survive the wisdom teeth but to me that was the least of my pain over the last week!

There is an old wives tale that deaths come in 3---well I am here to tell you I believe pregnancy news also comes in 3! At least it did last week and it started Monday and by Tuesday afternoon all 3 had been announced/revealed.

I don't feel like I need to recap the last week. Those of you that know me and have talked to me know it was a very rough week for us and I finally broke down on Sunday at Mass. If you can't cry with God then who can you cry with right?

We have been knocked down again and we are finally, slowly getting back up. I am not sure how many more times we can get knocked down before we stay down! We are trying to remain positive and remember that our time is coming and that God has the plan. I just hope he shows us the plan soon.

Teething

2009-07-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

I am teething.

Yes, you are reading that correctly. My upper right wisdom tooth is coming in and it is killing me. I now understand why babies are so darn pissy and crabby when they are teething. The only difference is I am 32 and not drooling all over myself--but otherwise I am feeling the same pain I believe they might feel.

Instead of getting a teething ring and putting it in the freezer, I decided I better get to the dentist and get them taken out. I go in tomorrow to get all 4 teeth taken out. I am not looking forward to it and am actually a little nervous and scared. The guy I am going to is very nice, looks like he might have just graduated from school (young thing), graduated from Creighton (bonus points for him) and so kindly pointed out that I shouldn't have waited this long to get them out because I won't bounce back like an 18 year old would (thanks doc).

I am getting myself knocked out and am hoping for a quick recovery. Please say a little prayer for me....to go something like this.

Dear Lord,
Please give Marilyn the strength to get through the wisdom teeth surgery. Make sure she doesn't drool all over the place when her face is numb. Please make sure she doesn't vomit due to the drugs and please make sure she doesn't get dry sockets. Please make sure she doesn't get infections because she has been taking medicated mouth wash this week (true story). Don't make her too swollen, she has chubby cheeks already and can't afford to look like she is storing next weeks dinners. Please don't make her bruise on her face or eyes, she likes to think she is tough but this is a bit much. Give her husband the strength to take care of her (she can be a baby) and please just let her sleep the weekend away and please let the recovery be a speedy one.
Amen

My Sister, My Best Friend

2009-07-27T09:55:00.000-07:00

My sister is my best friend. I am close to all my sisters, however this particular sister holds a very special place in my heart.

I hate the reason we have become so close. We both are dealing with fertility issues. I hate that she has to endure the same pain that I have had to endure. I hate that her husband and my husband have bonded because they had to deal with two very crazy, hormonal ladies on some crazy medicine.

While I hate all of this--I am also thankful that I haven't had to go through it alone. Both our families and friends have been very supportive to us during this long process. Megan and Antwain have been there during some of the lowest of our lows...and unfortunately they understand how it feels. Yesterday at church while we were sitting there waiting for Mass to begin I looked over at them and realized how much I love them and how special they are to us. We have formed a bond that will never go away. Yesterday I prayed that we will be matched with a potential birthmother and that they have success with their treatments and that they happen around the same time so we can share in the next stage together...becoming moms and dads.

To Megan and Antwain:
I love you with all my heart. I am very thankful for our relationship and want you to know that no matter what happens, we are here for you and are excited for you. You mean the world to us and we look forward to the many years of friendship and family time!

I have always appreciated your words of encouragement and appreciated your shoulder when I could do nothing but cry. Lord knows we have shared many, many tears. I can't wait for them to be tears of joy!

Love you
Merle

Living the Dream

2009-07-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

Living the Dream is a phrase that can take on many different meanings. It is a phrase used often--not only at home but with our great friends. In fact--it is so important that Cullen actually has a tattoo of it on his arm. What does it mean? To me it means either 1 or 2....

1. Life is great--"I am living the Dream" (doing what I want and loving every minute of it)
2. Life stinks--"Just living the dream" (this sucks, I am crabby and nothing is going my way)

Today I have a mixture of 1 and 2--which is odd for me and I think the first time I have ever experienced them both together. In fact, I think I might have had them mixed all week.

Why? Well, I am not sure. But I think this morning I had my "ah ha" moment.

A piece of adoption that is very hard for me is the unknowing or inability to plan. You see--I have been a fundraiser and event planner since I graduated from college (about 10 years ago--oh Lord I am old). I like to plan and it doesn't just pertain to our future family, it pertains to vacations, weekend plans, daily plans. I love organizing. I was the kid who loved getting the new supplies for school (oh a fresh new box of crayons)....you get the picture. There is nothing planned about this process and it is scary. I have to continue to practice the art of letting go..Lord help me.

I said "I WILL not watch that show 16 and Pregnant". Nope--not good for the soul. Until the adoption episode came along. There I am Sunday evening alone in the basement crying. Yep, you read that right--crying. Shedding tears for the strong young man and woman who made an adoption plan for their child even though their own parents didn't support them. Shedding tears for the adoptive family as they embarked on the journey and shedding tears because I sometimes wonder if I am strong enough to deal with it all. That young couple had their hearts broken when they placed their baby in the adoptive mother's arms. They made the most unselfish decision during a time in their life when they are the most selfish. I actually cried for them, for their strength and for their love of that child. I actually said out loud in the dark basement "I don't know if I can do this".

So I would guess that might be why I have a mixture of it! But you know what the beauty of it is---tomorrow is a new day! Here is to a great weekend---a weekend of Living the Dream!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2009-07-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

The song by Tom Petty has become my mantra as we wait for the call from our adoption agency. The "call" that will change our lives forever. We were officially entered into the waiting pool at the end of April. I go many days without thinking about it--without thinking about what the phone call will be like, without thinking about the emotions that will go with it and without worrying about how long it might take for us to get the call.

But I am far from perfect so there are some days when I do wonder about it, dream about it and get excited for it. It is hard to describe the feelings that are attached to the waiting process. Let me try:

Excited--can't wait to meet our future family (birth family and future child) and can't wait to
see my family and Cullen's family welcome the new addition
Nervous--can I really do this? It is more than parenting a biological child--
there are other things that come with adoption
Scared--do I even know how to take care of a baby?
I love sleeping--what will I do with NO sleep?
Blessed--to have such a great support system. Amazing husband, family, friends and
church community that love us and continue to keep us in their prayers
while we embark on this journey.
Empty--watching the people around me become moms and dads is hard at times.
To see the joy in their eyes, to see their pregnant bellies, to watch as they
anticipate their new arrival...it makes me sad, mad and most of all empty!

So, the waiting is hard but I am glad that we have a very busy life that keeps us moving and busy. We will focus on the here and now and do the things we have always wanted to do while we wait.

Did you know that I now get up 3-4 days a week at 5:45 a.m. to go to Jazzercise, did you know that we are going to Chicago in August to see two Pearl Jam concerts and that Cullen has been able to do many plays over the last couple years, fulfilling his creative gene....we are still blessed beyond belief. I know these things might change once we get the call but for now it is what we do to help keep us busy and we try to focus on living each day to the fullest!

My husband has given me many gifts in life, but one of the most important is teaching me to love music and to listen to music to soothe your soul. If I had a soundtrack to represent my life this particular song would be on it---read some of the lyrics and you will understand why!

Dream Big by Ryan. Shupe and the Rubber.bands
When you cry be sure to dry your eyes
'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

Here today and gone tomorrow!

2009-07-06T08:51:00.000-07:00

We are back and heading out again on Wednesday. This time we are going to Minnesota with Cullen's parents for a couple Yankee games. Every year we try to hit a couple Yankee games and I think last year was the first year in a long time that we skipped it--reason #426 on why infertility sucks! However, we look forward to getting out of town and spending some time with them.

For those keeping track of the family vacations--we made it through another one. Yes, there were bumps along the way but that is to be expected. Next up--Vegas next March to celebrate the youngest brother and oldest nephew turning 21. YIKES!!! Anyway--back to Storm Lake. Nick and Anna mastered the high diving board and I really enjoyed spending time with everyone despite the hiccups. It dawned on me this weekend that the nieces and nephews are getting older and that the youngest niece is 7 with no babies trailing behind. There will definitely be a gap in ages between nieces and nephews. My only hope is that our future child has other cousins to grow up with and has the opportunity to partake in the family traditions with their aunts and uncles and older cousins. As painful as it is to gather all the troops it is what makes life wonderful. To see the ages and generations of Wadleigh's together to laugh, joke, tease and yes--sometimes cry.

So tonight we pack again to leave for 3 days and have another full weekend ahead. Cullen and I are playing in the second annual Sacred Heart Croquet Tournament on Saturday, a fundraiser for our church. I better go figure out how to play---I don't think playing in Grandma Visca's front yard counts for "knowing the rules".

Family Vacation

2009-07-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned how much I love my family?

The sibling role call is as follows:
Mary--married to Mike. Has three children.
Michelle--married to Tim. Has two children.
Me--married to Cullen. No children
Michael--dating a lovely gal from Denver. No children
Megan--married to Antwain. No children
Matthew--no children.

Yes, we are all M's. Yes, it was funny to hear my mom try to call us by name when she was in a hurry or we were in trouble. Marlegan, Marchelle are just a few of the combos.

Back on track. There is a huge gap in ages--the oldest is 42 and the youngest is 20. My youngest brother is the same age as my sisters oldest son. They are like best friends and they enjoy the chuckles they get when they can introduce each other as uncle/nephew.

Traveling with such a group can be fun, crazy, exhausting and a headache all in one. We were ambitious when we were younger. A road trip with two mini-vans to Orlando and a road trip to a condo in the mountains of Colorado. You see the first trip we went on was to Orlando and maybe a year or two later we went to Colorado. That trip was a trip from h-e-double hockey sticks and thus the last big family trip we ALL went on. Cracked windshields, brakes going out down a mountain, biking in a hail storm, leaving my purse in our condo and having no key to get into our apartment when we got home to Omaha (these are just a few highlights).

It is about time for us to gather again--this time Storm Lake, Iowa on Saturday for the 4th of July. Unfortunately not everyone can get away but those of us going are excited. We are going to swim, eat, swim some more and watch fireworks. No agendas, nothing to do but be together and laugh. These are the days that I feel blessed to have such a close family, siblings that are my best friends and an amazing mother.

I think the lyrics from a song by the 10,000 Maniacs say it best.....
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you – you are blessed and lucky
It’s true – that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

Happy 4th of July! May you find time to be with the people you love. Cherish the time--even if it does not go exactly as it was planned!

Another Day.....Another Dollar

2009-06-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

Is it really Monday? How can the weekend go so fast?

Between wedding festivities and the normal Sunday breakfast club and church routine with our best friends and a play with folks from church--little time was left and I found myself getting the "Sunday Night Blues". I love my job. I love the people. I just could have used an extra day or two to recover from a busy weekend. I grabbed a cup of coffee this morning and just sat in my chair at work and decompressed for 10 minutes thinking where does the time go?

Our dear friends got married on Saturday and all the festivities brought me back to our wedding (almost 9 years ago--long time huh). It made me thankful for marrying the man I did. The man I love more now then I did the day we got married. They had the same sparkle in their eyes that we had when we got married.

But, I look back over the last 8 1/2 years of marriage and wonder where did the time go and am sad that 3 years of that were filled with the stress, disappointment and sadness of fertility issues. The months of trying and the months of negative tests. The extreme highs and extreme lows. The times I would try to convince him to leave me and find someone who could have a child so he could be a dad. The months I didn't talk about my pain to anyone and the months that I felt like my life was over--worth nothing, I was a failure. Is that wasted time? Nope, it was a time of growth for us. Out of the pain we have finally started to grow. Grow spiritually, grow as individuals and grow closer together as a couple.

This weekend was a reminder to continue to cherish the times (good and bad) and to not wish the time away and to not forget what we have been through to get to this point. To recognize the struggle and move on. I have recognized the struggle and know that the next 40 years (God willing) of marriage will have highs and lows but know that I will continue to love my husband more than I did the day I said "I do".

1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Father's Day

2009-06-22T07:28:00.001-07:00

Today during Mass they had father's stand up and be recognized for the celebration of Father's Day. Because I try to be a communicator, I asked after Mass "are you ok with all the Father's Day stuff" and he said..."our day is coming and I am ok". Yikes, what a strong man!

To my dear, sweet husband:
You are an amazing, funny and loving husband and I love you. You will be an amazing daddy and I can't wait to see you hold our baby for the first time. I watch you with our dear friends little boy and you are just beautiful as you hold him and talk to him. You make those adorable funny faces and he smiles at you while you talk to him.

Thank you for walking on the path with me, for holding my hand when I felt weak or for kissing me when my heart would break during each disappointing treatment. For reminding me that we will be ok and that we will weather this storm.

On this Father's Day I celebrate you silently because I know that someday you will make the most amazing daddy to our amazing child.

Are you there God....it's me...Marilyn

2009-06-19T07:21:00.001-07:00

You grow up, get married and have babies....right? That is what my Catholic, Italian family was all about. I am one of six in my family. Having babies for my mom was easy (obviously), my two older sisters have children (5 total). Why me? Why can't I have a biological child of my own? Oh--sounds like an easy question huh? Well...nope....not so much.

I look back at my adult life and wonder if God put me in certain jobs and situations to prepare me for the infertility battle. To prepare me to open my heart to adoption. First job out of college, my boss struggled with infertility and ended up adopting two beautiful boys from Russia and years later had a biological son. Second job working for an agency that does adoptions. Third job, my bosses daughter has PCOS and adopts twins from local agency and friend at work adopts two boys from Poland to add to his 3 biological children. Fourth job, two people in our office have had fertility issues and have been blessed with biological children. Should I hit my head against the wall trying to figure out the answer to "why me" or should I just accept it.... Coincidence?

NOPE--it is God and he is good.

Fast forward to today---Hi, my name is Marilyn and I have PCOS. My wonderful husband Cullen and I have experienced 3 failed IUI's and 1 failed IVF. We are officially waiting to be placed with a child through domestic open adoption. It is through God's grace that we patiently wait for the right birthmom and child to enter into our life.